Sunday, August 21, 2005

The abbyss

So, i'm on my way home later today - my last night in England. I can't even describe how devastated and heartbroken i feel, leaving the country that was my home was ten years and where i planned to spend the rest of my life.
Nine years of struggles to stay here at all costs, poverty, homelessness, constant fear of being deported, and now, when i'm finally here legally, with a very good chance of getting a job in september, my goals just an inch away, it is all snatched back, and i'm left with nothing except despair. My last night in London. Returning back to the country that is not my home anymore and where there is nothing waiting for me, just pain and suffering. How could this happen to me? How can one person have so much bad luck in one lifetime?
And is there anything whatsoever that i can do to break out of this cage of misfortune and bad luck around me? It doesn't seem so. Therapy does not work and positive affirmations do not work, prayers are ignored and hopes ruined again and again; i am half mad with pain.
It can't be true that i have to return back to that country, back to my mother, and yet it is happening.

Called my mother yesterday, in desperate need of comfort, and got told off for being a liar and making fuss out of nothing. I can see the patterns so clearly - any uncomfortable emotions being ignored, trivilalized, see no evil, hear no evil, confide to my mother in hope of understanding, and get told to shut up and not be melodramatic.
None is so blind as those who refuse to see. Among the things that my mother told me was that my childhood was perfectly happy, that any problems are imagined by me, and that i am a liar.
I have to remain aware of the patterns; it is usual for families with deep problems to handle them by ignoring them and concentrating instead on my person and/or a minor problem to deflact attention, which may be why my mother always has and still is, acting as if my being overweight was the source of all world's evil and yet is totally unable to see what terrible effect it must have had on me to spend my childhood with a man who is alcoholic and pedofile, to never know affection or love and encouragement, to be always alone, escaping into my books because the world was too painful to deal with and no place was safe..
I can see how this would make a child to shut down her emotions, and i remember now how Emma used to tell me every time i saw her about the mask i wear, and i never realized she was right until yesterday.
I remember Emma always wondering how i can talk about the sad things that happened and keep happening to me and smile calmly while i was talking, while i never understood what it was she wanted me to do instead because the mere idea of showing any negative emotions is unthinkable to me; that is not something that would go unpunished in my family.

Yesterday i went to my mother was some comfort, feeling so heartbroken about loosing a boyfriend, a home, a job waiting for me, my hope of a better future, and all i was told is that i make a fuss of nothing - and instantly i was brought back to my childhood, somehow being made to feel guilty and inferior, and of course instantly putting my little mask on and pretending that she is right and that there is absolutely no reason to be in any way upset, chattering away happily while i wanted to scream and cry...

I must not fall back into the old patterns of behaviour but how can i avoid them? I cannot change my mother's behaviour, that is not in anyone's power, but how do i respond to make sure that i myself am not confirming to the unhealthy patterns of my family?
There is no help in books i have, they reccommend no contact with family while one is trying to make changes in negative patterns of thinking because apparently it is almost impossible not to get drawn into familiar responses. I need more therapy and there is no way to get it.
My god, how i wish i was dead and did not have to deal with this crap, i'm sick of it and i can't take the pain anymore.


Blogger Brezlon said...

It’s true that staying away from familiar habits/family/friends can help one change their lifestyle. I find it odd and sad that you take so much blame for yourself, especially when I see that you as well work with energies involving Chaos (or so you said in your profile.)

If you ever feel like talking to a fellow Otherkin and Chaos lover, check out my profile information for an email address.

Safe travels.

Thu Sep 08, 05:00:00 PM  

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