Sunday, August 21, 2005

The abbyss

So, i'm on my way home later today - my last night in England. I can't even describe how devastated and heartbroken i feel, leaving the country that was my home was ten years and where i planned to spend the rest of my life.
Nine years of struggles to stay here at all costs, poverty, homelessness, constant fear of being deported, and now, when i'm finally here legally, with a very good chance of getting a job in september, my goals just an inch away, it is all snatched back, and i'm left with nothing except despair. My last night in London. Returning back to the country that is not my home anymore and where there is nothing waiting for me, just pain and suffering. How could this happen to me? How can one person have so much bad luck in one lifetime?
And is there anything whatsoever that i can do to break out of this cage of misfortune and bad luck around me? It doesn't seem so. Therapy does not work and positive affirmations do not work, prayers are ignored and hopes ruined again and again; i am half mad with pain.
It can't be true that i have to return back to that country, back to my mother, and yet it is happening.

Called my mother yesterday, in desperate need of comfort, and got told off for being a liar and making fuss out of nothing. I can see the patterns so clearly - any uncomfortable emotions being ignored, trivilalized, see no evil, hear no evil, confide to my mother in hope of understanding, and get told to shut up and not be melodramatic.
None is so blind as those who refuse to see. Among the things that my mother told me was that my childhood was perfectly happy, that any problems are imagined by me, and that i am a liar.
I have to remain aware of the patterns; it is usual for families with deep problems to handle them by ignoring them and concentrating instead on my person and/or a minor problem to deflact attention, which may be why my mother always has and still is, acting as if my being overweight was the source of all world's evil and yet is totally unable to see what terrible effect it must have had on me to spend my childhood with a man who is alcoholic and pedofile, to never know affection or love and encouragement, to be always alone, escaping into my books because the world was too painful to deal with and no place was safe..
I can see how this would make a child to shut down her emotions, and i remember now how Emma used to tell me every time i saw her about the mask i wear, and i never realized she was right until yesterday.
I remember Emma always wondering how i can talk about the sad things that happened and keep happening to me and smile calmly while i was talking, while i never understood what it was she wanted me to do instead because the mere idea of showing any negative emotions is unthinkable to me; that is not something that would go unpunished in my family.

Yesterday i went to my mother was some comfort, feeling so heartbroken about loosing a boyfriend, a home, a job waiting for me, my hope of a better future, and all i was told is that i make a fuss of nothing - and instantly i was brought back to my childhood, somehow being made to feel guilty and inferior, and of course instantly putting my little mask on and pretending that she is right and that there is absolutely no reason to be in any way upset, chattering away happily while i wanted to scream and cry...

I must not fall back into the old patterns of behaviour but how can i avoid them? I cannot change my mother's behaviour, that is not in anyone's power, but how do i respond to make sure that i myself am not confirming to the unhealthy patterns of my family?
There is no help in books i have, they reccommend no contact with family while one is trying to make changes in negative patterns of thinking because apparently it is almost impossible not to get drawn into familiar responses. I need more therapy and there is no way to get it.
My god, how i wish i was dead and did not have to deal with this crap, i'm sick of it and i can't take the pain anymore.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Interview with a jew tree

This is something i saw on some website today:

So it was that, whilst walking through my local park recently, I passed a yew tree with whom I had previously struck up an acquaintance. She's a young tree for a yew,only about 120 years old. I saw that she'd had some vandal trouble. One of her lower branches was cracked and twisted. There were stumps here and there where otherbrancheshad been lopped off. In my concern for her, I went over to ask how she was doing.
I was thinking in human terms. I rested my hands on her trunk and thought about her plight,stuck there close by a busy main road, swung on by passing children, abused or peed on by occasional drunks.

I framed my question:"What is your wyrd"? I asked her.
For anyone unfamiliar with the term, wyrd is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning something like fate.
Her reply was simple: "The wyrd of all living things: beauty and then death".
I quickly realised the stupidity of my human response to what I saw as her ill treatment. Another quotation from my teens comes to mind: "You call it fame, but the human name doesn't mean shit to a tree". That's from Eskimo Blue Day byJeffersonAirplane. Yes, the value system of trees is very different from ours.
"The wyrd of all living things: beauty and then death".

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Bad news

My boyfriend just told me that i have one or two weeks to leave his flat. I still have absolutely nowhere to go, no freind to take me in, no income and i have no idea what will happen to me. I feel sick with fear and stress, and once again i have to wonder if i wouldn't be much better off just slashing my wrists.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Memories: my grandmother

She never cared much for my mum, hated my father, and disliked me and my sister ever since we were born. We had to live with her for the first six years of my life, and i don't remember a single instance when she would show me or my little sister any affection whatsoever, on the contrary she used to constantly annoyed at us, for crying when we were babies and for playing when we got older. (I have been told that even when we were born, she would never ever feed us, or cuddle us, or cover us with a blanket at night..)

I think that woman was a monster. I remember a time when she was visiting us for a few weeks, i was about 11 years old, and i got beaten for being late home - and my grandmother laughed. That is such a terrible memory for me, that instead of speaking up for me, or trying to protect me as one would expect from a granny, she was laughing happily that i was beaten.
She moved in with me and my mother and sister years some years after that after my parents divorce, when i was 14 and lived with is for 7 years and pretty grim seven years it was.
By that time my mum was alone with us; on top of that she had to start working part time to be able to take care of my grandmother, and we were so terribly poor that it doesn't even bear thinking about.
And all this time my grandmother has been sending ever penny she got to her other daughter, my auntie, who was married and comfortably well off.
And i remember how badly she treated my mother; never a single word of any thanks or gratitude, never ever happy, constantly finding faults with all three of us, never any kind word. She was a monstrous woman.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Memories: 2

I was alone, always alone. My father was always absent, my mother cold and unloving; also she preffered my sister which as child was terrible painful for me and still is to this day. As Emma said, someone always had to be better and someone worse.
We were terribly poor, at first because of my father drinking away all the money, then after the divorce because my mother was alone with me and my sister. I remember we never had any new clothes, my mum used to sew for us, any fruit was a special treat - but my mother did what she could to provide, the abuse was not usually not physical but mental, emotional, never any closeness, any intimacy, encouragement, affection.
I understand my mother must have had a hard life, her mother was widow since my mum and aunt were tiny, and my grandmother was a cold and i would say monstrous woman, who had not much love for my mother - but was crazy about my mum's sister. So why would my mother do the same to me?
And living with my father must have been hell, and how can any self respecting woman stay with a man who is a womanizer, an alcoholic, a liar?
On one had i understand how terrible life my mother had and still has, but on the other, i cannot comprehend how she could be punishing me for it, how she could treat me and my sister the way she did.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Memories: 1

I need to remember, i can't leave things as they are and give up. All that i've been through, all the suffering and fear, and still nothing has changed at all.
At first could not remember anything at all from the first 22 years of my life, before i came to England. The memories were too painful and so i cut myself off from my past.. began a new life in England far away from my family. But i still remember too much and suffering just as i did all my life but at least away from them.
So what did i remember in may: My mother's constant screaming and hysterical angry scenes, taking her anger out on me, being the outcast of my family, never feeling safe, always expecting a scene, living in fear and tension day and night. Until this day i hate anybody raising their voice at me, scenes and dramas or shouting of any kind.
Theory is i have disconnected myself from my emotions because they were so agonizingly painful but i don't feel disconnected, i still feel all the fear and despair and helplessness as strongly as ever.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I am not sure if Emma was right with her suggestion that my constant nightmares - being chased and killed every night, running and hiding and being terrified - means that i am running away from my emotions in the real world. Had a look in a dream dictionary, running in dream may mean running away from problems, this rings more true but i'm still not certain; i still don't see what else i can do. My problems are too enormous to be solved, over some of them i have no power whatsoever, such as my legal status in this country, the best i can do is ignore them until they solve themselves or go away - or until it kills me.
On second thoughts my dreams do seem to reflect my life more than i assumed at first. No peace for me in the days, no relief in the nights and suicide always looming above me as the only way to to make things better.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


I'm worried sick about my future and what will become of me.
It has been five months since i lost my job and still did not find another one, and i'm beginning to loose hope; my boyfreind has been hinting today again at the solution to his money problems being me moving out - if i was not so totally dependent on him for the past five months, it would be easier to cope with, it would only be yet another failure in having a relationship and living a normal life but the way things are now going for me..i have absolutely nowhere else to go if he throws me out, and i have no right for unemployment benefits or help of any kind since i'm a foreigner in this country and i am just a step away from being homeless; getting a job in the current time when unemployment is enormous and i am a foreigner in this country seems almost impossible; those are the cold hard facts.
It didn't hurt me so much that he is pressuring me to find a job, i realize that the part time job i have now is not enough, but the fact that he keeps reminding me he only invited me here for a few months ... and all this time i was thinking how happy i am with him and how much i enjoy living together and he can't wait for me to go. How could i be so wrong again?

And incidently, thinking of memories, as i was sitting here, trying not to cry, as my boyfreind announced he is going out after giving me the bad news, it reminded me so much of my childhood, when my family would be going out without me, always leaving me behind, not even asking me, all those times when i stayed alone, ignored, keeping my face up so they wouldn't know how much they were hurting me - trying not to cry.

God knows that i could use some reassurance right now that everything will be alright and once again i am ignored by someone i would expect to care for me - i'm sure Emma would be pleased at how much better i am getting at recognizing the patterns in my life. And what use is it to me? It's too late.
There is no joy in my life anymore and hasn't been for a long time. I am desperate, utterly desperate, and defeated.I wish to die. I am so alone and so weary, of living in struggles and fear.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Basic energy spell

Here is a spell i wrote, in case any magick user happens to find my page.
This is a basic spell for which you don't need any magickal props and supplies.
Regardless of what you may have been led to believe by wiccans and various spells posted on the internet and in books; props and herbs and magick mirrors are not at allnecessary, the only necessary ingredient of your spellwork is your will. That is what makes it work!
All you have to do is what it enough and alter the reality with your will and energy and it will happen because all of us have been given this power.To cast a simple and effective spell:

Sit in a room when you can be undisturbed. Light an incense and a candle to help you focus, and write down you what you desire from your spell, putting the paper under the candle (though it is not necessary if you don't have any of those).
Concentrate on your desire, wish it with all your heart, without doubts, think of nothing else, except how much you want this to happen.

Now, hold your hands about 20cm apart and start directing energy between your hands (and still keep concentrating in your wish while doing this). Imagine you are holding this wish in your hands, whatever it is that you want, and the energy is pouring into it, all around it. If you are having trouble with directing the energy, imagine that it has a colour and you are collecting from everything around you, from yourself, and from every breath you take; keep pouring the energy with all your will and concentration into the object of your desire, see it glowing with your energy, repeat to yourself what you need the result of this spell to be.

Do this until you feel you have given all you could (usually about 10 minutes for me). Throw all the remaining energy into your spell.
Good luck!


This is my first blog ever, i have really no experience with them, and so i would like to ask anyone who might wander onto this page what are their experinces with online diaries? I've decided a few days ago to open one, i tried journal space first but found it difficult to organize and use, so i tried and am happy with it .. but now i'm thinking, what do i do with a personal blog...?
How many of you here have a personal blog and in what ways do you find it usefull?